Meaningless · Jabber

I'll try not to make this into a sociological lecture but...On the subject of atheism, every time I think or say aloud 'I don't believe in God' I feel this little frisson of guilt inside, I feel like I SHOULD believe in it, even though I know I don't. Why is this? I think it's a mixture of social conditioning and a basic desire to believe in something.

I've always WANTED to believe in God, in a magical, fantastical, meaning-giving sense. When I was little, I often felt scared not to, as if there would be nothing to lean on if I didn't. I'd be on my own. Now I'm older, I've learnt to lean on myself and those around me. I don't need some mythical being to protect me, and so I've plucked up the courage to openly dismiss religion. On the other hand, I still love magic and the unreal. I also want desperately to believe in Santa, in unicorns, in faeries, in ghosts and in Harry Potter ;) Fairy tales make my life complete. It's nice to imagine there's something beyond the mundane out there. The only problem is where make-believe ends and reality begins. My particular problem lies with ghosts. I've always believed in them, I think there is too much evidence not to. I respect them. But then, I get to thinking, if I believe in them, what are they? Souls? Does this mean I should believe in religion as well? And what about fate? Can I believe in things happening for the best, or working themselves out, without believing in pre-determination, which leads to the existence of a controlling force? I don't believe in fate anymore. the future isn't mapped out. But ghosts I still cling onto. I like to think that there is some spark beyond skin and bone that keeps us going (I flirt with reincarnation) but see it in a non-religious way. In a natural way. I certainly don't connect it to a God. If anything, I believe in nature as a controlling force, rather than religion. Then again, is believing nature is all-powerful a kind of religion? Is atheism itself, a non-belief, a religion? It might be if I start trying to convert believers rather than keeping these thoughts to myself! I see atheism as a rebellion against outside control, a breakaway group, and a kind of progress, which in itself is quite a romanticized image. What it SHOULD be, of course, is a disinterest in religion, a disregard, but because so many people currently believe, it's much more active and military than that. I try not to let my non-belief become a big part of who I am. Tolerance is very important to me, and I know you can't be tolerant if you refuse to accept that other people can think differently to you, and have reached different conclusions.

From the social conditioning angle, obviously, what your parents and those around you believe has a major impact upon what you think yourself. Strongly religious parents usually pass on their own beliefs to their offspring, who may have ended up believing something completely different had they been brought up in a different setting. I'm a strong believer in the nurture over nature process of socialisation - as in, we don't inherit our characters and beliefs, we learn them through interaction. No baby is born religious. I happened to be brought up in a family who are, in the main, very casual christians. They say they believe in a God, but don't attend church, and certainly wouldn't think of preaching to anybody. My dad is atheist, he sees the whole idea as ridiculous, as a plot to control and manipulate people. I think he is pleased with me for agreeing, so perhaps I've been influenced by his non-belief. On the other hand, it's only since my late teens that I've actually called myself atheist, that I haven't prayed now and then, when worried, before exams and suchlike. So maybe it's time and knowledge thats led me to this conclusion. 

I sound like a right sel-righteous wanker now, don't I?!

I don't mean to be! I'm still very confused, it may take my whole life to sort out what I do and don't believe in. Living with a Religious Studies major has made me think about this more often than I usually would, and it makes my head spin.

I'd love to know other peoples opinions :)